Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
