The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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