Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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