He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
cat food counts as protein by the way
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
