I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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