I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
