the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
