now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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