Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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