Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
