How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
