I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
