I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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