The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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