I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
