Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
