When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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