Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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