Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He shit in the fireplace
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