Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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