And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
