Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
