It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
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Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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