I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
