I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
