I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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