this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
