Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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