There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm too high and old for this...
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