Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
