Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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