Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
