so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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