I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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