God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
