Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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