My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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