Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
