On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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