even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
