You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
