I murdered the dance floor call the cops
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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