no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
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But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
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Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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