so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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