We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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