Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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