I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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