You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
