The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Who died my cat blue again?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
