my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
