Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
