life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
