well I can't set my house on fire every night
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
