When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
