please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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