Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
