I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
