did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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